Coffee-stained Wall

-this is a long post-

What do you look for in a partner?

I've been asked this question so many times I feel like recording my answer and just play it every time I get asked.

I want someone who will take care of me like I took care of all the people who matters to me. Someone who will fight for me. Someone who is willing to go out on a limb just for me. A person who would walk the extra mile. A person who will be selfless enough to put my happiness first.

Someone who will respect me and give me the time and attention that I deserve. Someone who will not take me for granted, who is not afraid (or ashamed) to express his love for me. Someone who is proud of me as if I invented something very important like post-its. (Hey, some people can't live without post-its!)

Someone who will make me number 1.

It would seem that I am asking for too much, maybe I am. That's because I know I am worth it. I guess the only person who would say that I ask too much doesn't know how valuable I am. (Yeah, I may sound self-centered here, narcissistic even but read on...)

Let's answer another question, "What can you offer a potential partner?"

A lot! I would like to believe that I have been a very good partner. My friends tell me that I have mother's instinct. I don't know why, but I take care of everyone I love. I am very protective of them. I fight their battles. In some ways, I'm like Monica Geller. She likes playing host to everyone. She entertains and she drives her friends nuts with her bossiness but she means well.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner because that's what I'm like. That's what I can give.

Now, why would I make a person my priority when clearly I am not the number one in his life? (uh, because I'm selfless? or maybe stupid)

I lowered my standards. Because I wanted to meet halfway. I said, "what the heck, let's make it work". But now I feel that I'm not getting enough. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. I convince myself that fairytales are just like that, fairytales. But I end up still wanting Prince Charming. (and watching Enchanted did not help at all!)

An astro friend read my stars for me:

"You're looking for a very deep kind of love, and you often find that your partners cannot satisfy you. Napapagod sila pagtagal, and you end up unfulfilled. "

"Your sense of romanticism gives you to idealize your partner. At first you may overlook his shortcomings. Magpapaloko ka pa nga eh. In time, magiging problema mo ang relationship, magiging burden. Parang cycle ito. Maganda lagi ang umpisa, pangit ang dulo."

"You can hold a lifestyle for the longest time and suddenly break free. You need change. Often you feel that you're not in control of your life"

"Your relationships tend to change you for good or ill. Every relationship exacts a toll on your reserves of passion. I'm not surprised if you've grown cynical about love. You may tell yourself that you've had it, but something in you needs to be troubled in love because it satisfies your need for total consummation. It's like having a hole in your soul and it is always unfilled."

It's like 90% accurate and I haven't met her in person!

Right now I ask myself, where is the spark between us? What happened during the past weeks has been a wake up call for me. The coffee stains on the wall reminds me of what I have settled for and how much I am wanting to have more.

~ remind me of the good times. remind me why I love you. make me fall in love with you again...